Chapter 60 - Prevarication, deception and the consequences

Helen 

Over the years, Dad has hinted at having a childhood lacking in paternal love. This divide between father and son, has been reinforced by Mum’s story of how Grandad Robinson had told her that Dad enjoyed the act of duplicity. Sadly, Grandad Robinson is no longer with us, and therefore cannot support or refute this. Yet, Dad’s actions, choices, and the unhappy women who claim to have been deceived by him, shed light on aspects of my father’s personality. Conveniently, father states there are always two sides to a story. But let’s say there are many, and the many who have been affected by my father, will no doubt reveal this to be so. 

I hope my observations of my father, and his behaviour, help to explain why I am suspicious of his revelation that he has cancer. Dad’s news comes, not long after I had found out that Uncle Hector has cancer. I find it too much of a coincidence. And, despite seeing what appeared to be lesions on Dad’s chest, I am unconvinced. Does father know that Uncle Hector has cancer? What would Dad gain, if I had confirmed that this is so? When I received Dad’s news, I just shrugged my shoulders, then scolded him for poor lifestyle habits; vaguely aware, that my reaction was noted by him. 

I care about my father, because he is my father, and has appeared to care for his children sometimes, when it suits him perhaps. And although he appears to be friendly with many, he seems to have no true emotional connection with anyone. Understanding his circumstances and the personality that created a kind of isolation, enables those who know him, to suspect he may be a lonely figure, at a very low point in his life. And so, the day Dad revealed he was unwell, I told Mum. She is naturally worried about her brother, but still expressed sympathy for her ex-husband, perhaps more than I had done. I called Nathan too, who still lives up North. He stated that he knew nothing about it. “Oh dear. Well some skin cancers are treatable. I’ll call him at some point,” he said. He cut the conversation short, as he always does. Perhaps Nathan knows more than I do. I do not know why, but when I speak to either my father or my brother, I sense there is more going on between the two of them, none of which I am party to, or entitled to know about. Everything sounds conspiratorial. 

I call my father for an update on his diagnosis, on the day he is allegedly due for further examination. He does not answer his phone. I text him and enquire which hospital he is in. Again, he does not reply, perhaps disgusted at my reaction to his illness. I try to locate all of the hospitals in the areas that I think he lives in. He has girlfriends in various locations. Towards the end of the day, he texts me to say everything is okay; it was a false alarm. I am relieved, but still suspicious. 

When I think of this story about my father’s health, I also conjure an image of the Usual Suspects fictional character, Keyser Soze. A man released from police custody, successful in concealing his identity as a crime lord, under the guise of a timid, incapable man with physical disabilities. Yet, as Soze leaves the police station, he morphs into an able-bodied man, revealing to the audience, that he is very capable. A successful crime lord, who is chauffeured away from the police station by a member of his criminal organisation. 

I have no doubt Dad is aggrieved, because of my reaction to his circumstances, whether fictional or not, but it is difficult for those who truly know my father to trust him, because he has lied so many times. I often wonder who my father really is. I feel he has more than one identity. 

I conclude Dad has aspired to be a mixture of Keyser Soze and Zeus, wishing to have control, not always successfully, on his wives and lovers. For despite Dad’s false alarm, or a possible alteration of the truth, I realise he is getting older now, and weaker perhaps. The desire to deceive is still evident, but whether he is successful, as he once was, is unlikely.